Rumors abound regarding the origins of the Double Crossers’ Blossom Bruiso. While some claim she emerged from her mother’s womb with roller skates strapped to her feet, knocking the doctor to the floor and taunting him with a brand of foul-mouthed baby talk that would make your mother blush, further investigation has shown this to be unlikely.

There are very few things of which we are certain. We know that Ms. Bruiso served briefly as Mayim Bialik’s stunt double on a very special episode of the early-nineties TV show Blossom in which the star struggled with the dangers of wheeled combat and peer pressure.  She taught Six how to kill a man with her bare hands.  She taught Joey Lawrence to “Whoa!”  Her whoa is like what and her what is like whoa.  She still rocks a big hat with a tasseled vest and a floral-print blouse.  And yeah, she calls them blouses. You do not have a problem with that.

VH1 does not want you to know that she was the original drummer and namesake of the Gin Blossoms. She wrote the bridge to Hey Jealousy.

A rhyming dictionary will inform you that Blossom rhymes with Awesome. We doubt this is mere coincidence, but we are looking into it.

She is kind to plants and crustaceans.

Despite her flowery forename, Blossom’s rink-side manner owes more to the deadly water hemlock than the innocuous blooms of state flowers.

Google it if you must, she’s a killer. She is a dancing assassin is search of an indie-rock-dance-party and a roller rink that serves Sparks. This is where you will find her when she is not dishing out full-body bruises to derby opponents and spectators alike.

We have told you all that we know.

Beware the Bruiso!