The road to the Ivy King Cup ended with few surprises tonight, though this year’s also-rans went down fighting. Confirming what seemed inevitable since the season began, the undefeated Hell’s Belles will meet the Double Crossers on May 31. And in a repeat of last year’s championship game entertainment, a mixed team of Manics and Furies will face each other under the tutelage of guest captains crowned in an eBay auction. Go to windycityrollers.com for tickets and for your chance to win, but be forewarned: this is not a game for the faint of heart, and tonight’s match offered more proof of that!

The evening began with the Hendrix-esque guitar stylings of our own ref Unk.aspx">Unk, who made believers of us all with his whammy-bar tribute to the stars-n-bars.

The Manic Attackers vs. The Double-Crossers

A lot of people were pulling for the Manic Attackers including, I suspect, many Double Crossers fans. Their protracted journey toward viability should be rewarded with something more than a zero in the “W” column—and the warrior clown makeup certainly won them the admiration of those who didn’t cower in fear. But the growing intensity of their defensive game failed to ruffle the plumage of the Double Crossers and victory remains a tantalizing dream hovering barely out of reach.

The Manics started out strong and for much of the first half stayed competitive, but as the clock inched toward halftime, the deficit on the scoreboard grew increasingly insuperable. All the way down the stretch, however, the Manics continued to throw down the gauntlet, walloping their black-clad opponents with hips, knees and elbows. The Double Crossers’ composure was surely tested under this insane assault. Ying o’Fire and Wreck ‘n’ Shrew in particular put me in mind of a couple of unsecured cannonballs rolling around on the deck of a rocking pirate ship. Also, Beth Amphetamine’s slashing and savage trajectories belied a cold-blooded and effective appetite for mayhem. The pitched battles roiling the pack gave all the attendees some ineffable sense of a primeval chaos goddess stirring to life on the periphery of an unperceivable horizon. This chaos manifested in some bizarre blocking match-ups in the second half: Wreck ‘n’ Shrew versus Unk.aspx">Unk and Donna Party versus Stegascorus.

The Double-Crossers remain as smart as ever and, after the break, the outcome was never in question. Peglegs showed her best speed and agility so far this year, cutting in and around her would-be blockers with supreme confidence. And credit the Crossers with artfully assimilating their many rookies; Georgia on your Behind, Karmageddon, Norma Lee Wright and Sassy Squash are already hip to the XX style and making a palpable impact and Slammah Montana, Stella Sabotage and Reina Chaos benefited from more time in the spotlight as they gear up for the Ivy King Cup match.

Final Score: Double Crossers 79 - Manic Attackers 32

The Fury vs. The Hell’s Belles

The Fury must have known they were in for some rough sledding against the league’s least beatable team. They’d have their hands full under ideal conditions; injuries have decimated their line-up all year, but tonight was especially acute. Among those either not present or un-skate-shod, we include Kola Loka, Hausa Pain, Donna D. Apocalypse, Sonya MouthShut, Tori Adore, Tall Drinka Slaughter and Go-Go Hatchet. Considered in this light, the outcome could be called a foregone conclusion. In a similar vein, you might assume the Fury might approach this game with impaired intensity. In that regard, you would be wrong.

So circumstances dictate that the fans get a good look at the Fury’s second string. Shout-outs were clearly earned by Dee Monica, Red Zeppelin and Carnage Wilson for their outstanding game. They played with real fire in their bellies and deserve a heap more track time. Ivanna Riot, Psych O’Sis and Ivy Sedation also distinguished themselves, but the Hell’s Belles seem untouchable and clearly represent the highest concentration of talent in the short history of the league.

For the Fury, every time one of their jammers reached the verge of daylight, they found themselves hung up on the buttocks of Belle Diablo or Harmadillo, the best two pivots in Cicero that night. Varla continues to burn up the linoleum, copping a 16-pointer, which would be a personal record for anyone else.

From a rock-‘em-sock-‘em angle, the teams seemed almost evenly matched, with Anita Applebomb and Juanna Rumbel rattling more than a few red helmets with their hard hits, but speed-wise, the Fury couldn’t even get close. That probably carried the day for the Belles, but damned if they weren’t pretty fun to watch.

The final score: Hell’s Belles 115, the Fury 23.

Current Standings

HB (6-0), XX (4-2), TF (2-4), MA (0-6)

Bout Statistics

Grand Slams: Varla Vendetta - HB (3), Athen DeCrime – HB (3), Donna Party – XX (3)
Most Jam Points: Athena DeCrime - HB (34)
Most Blocks: Eva Dead - TF (6), Malice With Chains (6)
Most Whips: Harmadillo - HB (6)
Most Minor Penalties: Carnage Wilson - TF (21)
Most Major Penalties: Eva Dead - TF (2)
Lead Jam %: HB (71.88%), MA (51.52%), XX (48.48%), TF (18.75%)