We all arrived at the Cicero Stadium with high spirits and expecting joyous fun. Unfortunately, I stopped in the men’s room before the match and saw a sign telling me not to throw paper towels in the urinals. As a result, the evening wasn’t quite as fun as I hoped. Fortunately, the Windy City Rollers saved my evening with their excellent skating and wonderful game play.

And kudos to local music scene fixture Lawrence Peters for his foot-stomping rendition of the national anthem, complete with washboard accompaniment. I’m sure that Francis Scott Key would have used “valiantly” instead of “gallantly” if he had thought of it.

Manic Attackers vs. The Fury

History and logic would favor the Fury for this match-up, but, with their characteristic disdain for reality, the Manic Attackers launched their assault on common sense with a ferocity that left their opponents looking nervously over their shoulders all night long.

The Fury disabled list left jammer phenom Kola Loka, pivot/blocker mainstay Hausa Pain and rookie Tall Drinka Slaughter languishing on the sidelines, but the Manics’ injuries were far more crucial: Malice With Chains, Mo Vengeance and Val Capone were banged up and dressed in their civvies.

As the teams lined up and commenced play, I was struck both by how well the Fury controls the front of the pack and how shrimpy the Manics look next to the big broads the Fury put on the rink.

So can you believe how close the Manic Attackers came to an upset?

Beth Amphetamine and Di Richmond really stepped up; they were both a revelation in the jammer slot. Clearly, Beth has arrived, filling in for Malice as the Manics’ weapon du jour, with her hunchbacked posture and keen instinct for the interstices in the pack; and she’s blocking much more cleanly as well, occasionally putting the hit on an opposing blocker while simultaneously whipping her jammer past the rest. Ruth Enasia and Ada Hatelace helped anchor the pack while Wreck N Shrew knocked ‘em over, offering solid resistance to Eva Dead et al. on their way to daylight. And Riley Coyote seemed to overcome a lingering timidity to show a new command of the jammer position.

All night, the Manics stayed hard on the heels of the Fury, even tying the score halfway through the second period and whipping the fans into a fine loud froth. But Eva Dead and Yvette YourMaker delivered enough points to keep edging their scorecard forward, and the tenacity of Fury blockers Sonya MouthShut and Anita Applebomb, who never let the Manics’ jammer escape without a furious chase, prevented the Manic Attackers from slipping ahead.

The final jam found Ying O'Fire wearing the star and trailing by three points against speed demon Yvette YourMaker. Yvette cleared the pack first but was ineligible for lead, giving Ying the “finger of power” as she cleared the pack moments later. With the crowd in full-throated roar, the Fury set up a wall of defense that Ying could not broach. Ying was then slammed into the wall, leaving her writhing on the floor as time ran out and everyone in the place celebrated what felt like a Manics’ victory, scoreboard be damned.

I feel guilty tainting the Fury’s win with such lavish praise of the Manics, but this may be the turning point for the Manics we’ve all been waiting for—they are finally playing like the team we all knew they could be.

Final score: Manic Attackers 63, The Fury 69.

Hey. Wasn’t this supposed to be the blow-out?

Hell’s Belles vs. Double Crossers

What’s to be done about Varla Vendetta?

Every time she dons the star, she rockets through the pack before everyone else gets more than half a lap into the jam. Saturday night, the officials declared her lead jammer before the Double Crossers could even lay a lick on her. Even the referees seemed astonished.

Lying in bed last night, I kept re-running it in my mind. She seems to accelerate precipitously coming out of the first turn. The Crossers sooner gauged her velocity when she would suddenly blast off right past them. Physics-wise, she has mastered some sort of slingshot effect, that pushes her to somewhere between mach five and warp one, leaving the Crossers lunging at the point she occupied a millisecond previously. Defend that, if you can!

The Double Crossers had a number of other problems last night, but this had to be the most intractable one. Their reputation for strategic smarts was no help to them here as they seemed unable to adjust their game to match the Belles’ ability to control the pack, which served to totally shut down any potential opposition to the blinding power of their hellish jamming. Frankly, in all areas of play, I can see no obstacle to the diabolical debutante Belles’ inevitable drive to the Ivy King Cup.

In their last ditch attempt to slow down the juggernaut, the XXers threw everything they could (including each other) at the Belles, circulating in and out of the penalty box at a steady rate. And though Lucy Furr’s determined jamming made a few chinks in the score, and Anne Arkie redeemed Crossers pride with a 10-point jam late in the second half, there was not a lot of suspense here. Double Crossers fans can take comfort in knowing that the assassins remain in the running for a playoff berth. These teams will likely butt heads again.

Final score: Hell’s Belles 85, Double Crossers 35

Current Standings

HB (5-0, 72.1wp), XX (3-2, 50.2wp), TF (2-3, 47.1wp), MA (0-5, 32.4wp)

Bout Statistics

Grand Slams: Varla Vendetta - HB (3)
Most Jam Points: Varla Vendetta - HB (39)
Most Blocks: Ying O'Fire - MA (5)
Most Whips: Megan Formor - HB (4)
Most Minor Penalties: Dee Monica - TF (17), Ying O'Fire - MA (17)
Most Major Penalties: Lucy Furr - XX (4)
Lead Jam %: HB (64.71%), TF (54.29%), MA (40.00%), XX (33.33%)